Being Straight is Horrible

Now that I am straight I figured it was time to learn about the roles and responsibilities of straight people. Thus I conducted a comprehensive unstructured qualitative survey (N=2) of the straight male population. What I learned may not be appropriate for those with weak constitutions.

I have known both Subject#1 and Subject#2 for years. I did not check their certifications but from outward appearances they are both quite straight. Both of them are immigrants, have well-paying Immigrant-Parent-Approved jobs, and are more successful than me in every way.

Subject#1 was married to a woman he met overseas. They moved back to Lurkistan together and lived in happily wedded bliss while she pursued higher education. Then she abruptly left him, and he was on the hook for over a hundred thousand dollars of alimony money. He took out some loans and paid off the alimony, and should have that debt paid off sometime next year. He had the option of paying an enormous lump sum or paying alimony for the next ten years, and opted for the lump sum. He says that if they had had children he would have been paying more.

Subject#1 has dipped his toe into the dating pool since. He says that straight people meet each other online now, and that it is awful. He says that at his age (he is in his early forties) there are only two types of women out there: those who are broke and looking for a man to support them financially, or those who are financially successful and independent and are looking for “arm candy” to accompany them to events and such. The aforementioned arm candy should be financially successful, handsome, well-educated, and have nice stuff. He told me a horror story about his penultimate relationship with a local girl. The dates were going okay until the third one, when she told him he needed to wear nicer brand-name polo shirts to his dates, and preferably that he pick her up in a nicer car. He says this is a common pattern among the women he has dated. (Good grief. Where would I even get designer polo shirts? Do they sell them at the thrift store?)

Interestingly, it seems Subject#1 has opened up his horizons beyond the local dating pool. Apparently he was on a dating app that catered to a lot of prospects living in Latin America (I do not remember the name of the app, but it is probably for the best I not mention it here lest Maddie learn of it). There he met a woman living in Ecuador, and they seem to have hit it off. He says he is aware of the obvious red flags around immigration and financial disparities and such, but that so far they have an emotional connection and it has been working. He has flown to Ecuador for a week’s stay to meet this woman in person, but also has not told his parents about his dating life, which is interesting because he lives at home with his parents. (No, it’s not like that. He was living on his own until the pandemic, when his parents asked him to move back. As a Good Son he did, and now he pays for a bunch of their bills in addition to paying rent.)

Subject#1 is aware that this relationship might not work out, and is not wedded (so to speak) to getting married again. But he made it quite clear that the role of a straight man is to provide, and that women expect their men to do so.

Subject#2 expressed similar themes, albeit in a different way. He had also gotten married and had the marriage fall apart, but I think it dissolved in a matter of weeks, not years. He really wanted a wife and children though, so he persevered and eventually found somebody who dutifully produced a son for him. He is also a Good Son. He bought a big house in the deepest darkest depths of suburbia, and lives there with his wife and his kid and his brother and his mother and his mother-in-law (both of whom are widowed). He is also very much the provider in his family, and is on the hook for hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of mortgage.

Clearly, Subject#2 won the rat race. I guess he is happy and got what he wants, but I am not sure he is content. I certainly was not content; I was horrified. If nothing else I was distressed about the blatant patriarchy of his arrangement: he and I (and his male kid) sat eating breakfast while all the womenfolk ran around preparing lunch and responding to whatever requests/orders he made. I guess this the outcome to which all straight men aspire, but (if you’ll forgive the expression) to me it seems like a booby prize. Mortgages sound horrible, mansions in the suburbs sound horrible, supporting dependents sounds horrible, children sound horrible, and sitting around while others serve me sounds horrible. This is what I have to look forward to? If I am lucky and win the straight guy lottery??

I wish both Subject#1 and Subject#2 the best success in their lives. As I have said, I have known both for years, they are both successful, and although they have no reason to associate with a mentally-unfit failure like me both agreed to visit. But what a dismal prospect I face.

I am almost more hurt by Subject#1’s observations of female expectations on the dating sites. I have no interest (and little ability) to be supporting others financially. I certainly don’t have good looks or nice things. I ain’t going to be anybody’s arm candy. I thought my prospects were pretty dismal in the gay world, but it looks as if things are much worse now that I am straight. I might as well start browing incel subreddits and be done with it, because I am not going to win that rat race. As for Ecuador? That ain’t going to happen for me. I can’t even afford to leave town for longer than a day trip, never mind take a one week jaunt on a plane.

Everything I have learned so far indicates that being straight is awful. I do not know how straight people manage to do it. Again and again, I lament the terrible life decisions that led me to this situation.

Yes, of course I have thought about trying to appeal my excommunication. I have prayed and begged and pleaded that somehow, someway I not be straight. I have even given serious thought to put in the work necessary to regain my gay credentials — reading all of Sixpence’s posts and commenting on them and even watching all the videos, but then I remembered that in addition to the innumerable house tours he also posts multi-hour fashion runway videos, and I just don’t have the time. I barely have a job now! I don’t want to be unemployed again! So there are no good options, and everything is hopeless.

Probably I will be excommunicated by the straights as well, and then I will be like one of those people who find themselves stateless when their home country and adopted country both rescind their citizenship. I will be without a sexual orientation, and be denied all the privileges and protections associated with such.