Unpride

Oh look. It’s Debbie Downer with another whinefest. What tedious opinion will she share with the world today? Well, it’s June, so I guess that makes this the obligatory Pride entry.

Everybody seems to be taking Pride especially seriously this year, probably because of the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots. Although I have some problems with the narrative behind those riots (namely: violent resistance is an effective way to earn political credibility), overall I am glad that people are commemorating the event and taking Pride seriously. I genuinely want each and every one of you to get out there and have a lot of fun. But speaking only for myself, I’m just not feeling it this year. I don’t have very much to be proud of, and I increasingly feel there is no place for me in the LBGTQ+ community.

Although I am still doing some behind-the-scenes volunteering for the Lurkville LGBTQ+ center, the truth is that I am not very involved any more. The reading group I was involved with ran its course, which means that (a) I don’t go down to the center much any more and (b) I am reading a lot less LGBTQ+ literature than I used to. I also participated in an exercise group (yes, really), but that is now a shadow of its former self. The obvious solution to this would be to get more involved, but I don’t, partially because those groups that interest me conflict with other commitments. If this was poor Steven’s blog I would be leaving some acid-tongued comment about how he was making excuses, and I would be correct.

I did attend a second social gathering for LGBTQ+ people a couple of times, but I felt super out-of-place there. For one thing I am too socially awkward to do well in the presence of others, and for another I was at least a decade older than anybody else. I definitely came across as the unwelcome, creepy fat old guy, so I stopped attending.

Up until recently I had not experienced the dreaded “too old to be gay” feeling that so many others write about, but it has hit me hard over the past couple of years. It seems many (if not most) of the LGBTQ+ events locally are either implicitly or explicitly for the kids, and those that aren’t are for lesbians. And since I am cisgendered and more conservative than I like to admit, I am now classified as an oppressor, enforcing heteronormative privilege and the patriarchy. For all of our talk of diversity, there is not much room for people like me under the umbrella.

Having said that, I did go to Lurkville Pride for a bit. The event was rained out, but even before that I was feeling out of place. Admittedly, I skipped the “march” that was to happen the next day, so that is my fault. I also went to a second Pride event in the nearby municipality of Lurkton, but I got there late and only caught the tail end of the festivities. Again, I felt pretty out of place.

I will be taking a multi-day out-of-town trip to the big city of Lurkopolis this summer. I had not realized it at first, but I will be visiting during Lurkopolis Pride celebrations. Honestly the prospect fills me with more dread than excitement. Lurkopolis will be busier than usual and more expensive than usual. If I get a few spare hours during the trip I might wander through the festive areas but I am not sure I will enjoy them. Mostly I am grateful that I will have left town before the big Lurkopolis parade, because that is going to be a zoo (and will probably be co-opted by an activist group anyways). It is not good news that I am so apprehensive about being around the big celebration. Shouldn’t I want to be around my people?

This is probably all just projection on my part. Although none of the areas of my life are currently in crisis (knock on plastic), they have been uniformly disappointing. The only topics I have been able to consistently discuss with others have been my lack of employment and my dismay at the current state of politics, not my pathetic love life. But truth be told I am increasingly unhappy about being lonely. Even as I am grateful I do not have a sex partner, my body wants to be touched. I don’t think I have ever been the object of another person’s desire, even when I was in a relationship. To my knowledge I have never been hit upon, and nobody has ever flirted with me. (One caveat: back when I was younger and thinner, some people apparently made comments about my butt. However, those comments were not made in my presence, and I learned about them secondhand.)

I ought to be grateful for all that (maybe not the butt comments) but it gets hard to take sometimes, and it is not getting easier as I get older.

Whine, whine, whine. Scooter boys and Argentinians, Europe shed the blood of the Indians. And here I sit in the land of plenty, crying about my own virginity.

Be sure not to end up like me. Go out and celebrate. Happy Pride, everyone.

12 thoughts on “Unpride

  1. Well my dear Lurky. There is a positive side to this. You still go and get out there so that tell me you haven’t given up. Which is good. If you didn’t go then you would be saying woulda coulda shoulda. Just getting out and about people feels good. And if people can’t talk to you it’s not your fault. It’s been my compliant for some time. Our community has to include all, not just the 10″s. I know some of my friends get appalled who I talk too. But I like talking and spending time with all kinds of people. And whether you like it or not, I enjoy your posts and you often indirectly at times make me chuckle.

    And how do you know I would hit on you? I might find you very attractive. With me it take just one thing, be it personality or a physical trait. Watch out Lurky!!!!!!!!!

    Like

  2. Lurkville, Lurkton, Lurkopolis? Sounds like you live in a superhero comic book! One that spells center wrong, I might add.
    I’m hugging you from afar. I know it’s not the same as actual touching, but as I don’t know where you live (not hinting) and I do not travel, cyber hugs will have to do.
    You make me laugh and sad at the same time.

    Like

    1. I have been infected by Canadians and Brits, and apparently I cannot spell center any more. I fixed that and a bunch of other awkward phrasings. Thanks.

      I make me laugh and sad at the same time, too.

      Like

  3. One of the hardest things about being LGBTQ is finding your niche in the community. It can indeed be a hard place to break into. It can take a lot of time, hard work and effort on a continuing basis. This, I think, is where friendship comes in. Everyone wants to find lovers, but we should first concentrate on finding friends. Building a friendship network introduces us much more easily to a circle of LGBTQ people and increases the possibilities of finding that special someone. I hope you won’t get discouraged and drop out of active involvement in groups and volunteering. I firmly believe there’s a pot for every lid — but you won’t find it at home alone.

    Like

    1. How are you so wise all the time???

      I worry that I have found my niche already: leaving snarky comments on other people’s blogs.

      I plead guilty to cutting back my lesbigay involvement. I also plead guilty to hoping I could find a sex partner by growing my network of acquaintences. But in this age of Grindr that is clearly not the way people find sex partners, and there are other kinds of non-lesbigay involvement to be involved with. I could become a men’s rights activist, or learn how to shoot guns, or become a Mormon. There are lots of things to do in this world.

      Like

  4. Pride Pizza

    Buy one ready made pizza base.
    Set aside.
    Carefully chop and dice one red, one green, and one yellow bell pepper, and a purple Spanish onion. If you’re feeling really healthy finely chop washed broccoli florets.
    Smother the pizza base with a ladle of tomato paste and sprinkle liberally with your favourite grated cheese. Take each of the toppings in turn and create a single neat line straight across the pizza base like a flag.
    Bake in a hot oven for 15-20 minutes.
    Once crisp remove from the oven, slice and slowly eat whilst thinking lascivious and lecherous thoughts.

    JP

    Like

    1. Guido? Is that you?

      If you took one look at my waistline you would realize the last thing I need in my life is pizza. If I eat anything at all it should be something like a Shame Grapefruit.

      Like

  5. Oh, Lurkie
    See what I miss because I don’t do much web surfing over the weekend? You posted! I have to remember you are on your own schedule. Ok, so Pride. Yes, it’s become corporate. Yes, it’s been toned down to accommodate families and all kinds of allies. Yes, it’s overcrowded (which is good?) and sometimes it gets to me, too.
    But there IS reason to be proud. You see, I take Pride (and I mean the whole Pride month) as an act of defiance: I’m here and I’m queer and IDGAF about what ‘mainstream’ gay America thinks. I do Pride for the freaks, for the kink community, for the fems, for the fats, for the Asians, for the Dykes on Bikes, for the leather daddies. I do it because even though I’m just one more face in a rainbow sea, I know some kid in fucking Peoria will see one more face in a crowd they long to be in and they’ll feel one day they’ll make it there..
    Somebody upthread said we need to find our tribe. I know there’s other Lurkies out there. Or people (like us) who like you and enjoy your Lurkie ways and shenanigans. And I am completely sure there’s someone out there who’d look at that butt and think: ‘I’d hit it’.

    Happy Pride

    XOXO

    P.S. because wordpress hates me, I have no idea if this will be posted twice! Ugh.

    Like

    1. You certainly are not kidding about how corporate Pride has gotten. Every stage at Lurkopolis Pride is sponsored by some giant company. You might not care what mainstream America thinks of you, but boy howdy these corporate sponsors do.

      I think that if I found my tribe I would hate everybody in it. Every so often I meet somebody who is reminds me of myself, and those people are invariably insufferable.

      Like

Comments are closed.