Mr. S held out hope that Ms. R would sponsor him for citizenship, so we were working through the paperwork. One day he needed some papers scanned into electronic form. We were not far from my residence, and I had a scanner, so I offered to do the scanning at my place. It was a relatively new residence for me; I had moved out of the six foot by eight foot room and into a spacious carpeted attic with more space than I knew what to do with.
Against all better judgement I invited Mr. S inside. This was unusual for me. Being poor and disgusting, I am too ashamed of my living conditions to have guests over. But for some reason he followed me upstairs, papers in hand.
While I did the scanning Mr. S decided he was tired, so he lay down on his back. I finished the scanning and sat down beside him. We talked for a while. My thoughts veered in inappropriate directions. I thought about how easy it would be to reach over and fondle his genitals, or to yank down his sweatpants and see the goods myself. I knew to do so would be wrong. Mr. S was straight and still technically married to Ms. R. I did not want to be a homewrecker. My arm started shaking. It was not trembling; it was shaking back and forth.
Mr. S noticed my shaking arm. He asked me what was going on. I did not give him a straight answer. (How could I have given him a straight answer?)
The moment passed. Maybe I got a goodbye hug from him when he left. That was the extent of the seduction.
Of course I should not have acted on my impulses. I had not disclosed my sexuality to Mr. S, never mind my feelings for him. I knew he had no interest in me. Once he and Ms. R and Ms. R’s daughter were watching Mambo Italiano while I was visiting, and he made it perfectly clear he was not interested in kissing any pickles then. Leaving him alone was the right thing to do. But I have replayed that moment in my head again and again and again. When I am feeling sorry for myself and moping about being celibate for two decades, I think “what if”. I know full well what if, but that does not stop my mind from wandering towards sin.