Wasn’t my good judgement from the last entry heartwarming? Now it is time to undermine that sentiment and transform it into something creepy. Yes, it is time for Shocking Disclosure of Sexual Perversion #3: elders.
I would not classify myself as a gerontophile; my debaucherous tastes run towards those in their 50s and 60s as opposed to those in their 80s and 90s. But given the choice of cavorting with one of Mistress Borghese’s houseboys vs somebody in his 70s, my tastes run towards the latter. When I am in town, it is best to hide your uncles and lock up your grandpas.
This throws my motives for walking with the elderly gentleman during the Pride march into question. Was I extending a kindness and showing respect to an elder? Or was I perving out?
I have to second guess myself on these matters all the time. On the one hand, I really do value elders even when they want nothing to do with me sexually. It really was a gift to hear a few minutes of my walking partner’s story. I really do appreciate the generations that came before me for making my existence so much easier. I enjoy spending time with my elders independent of whether I find them personally attractive. On the other hand, my hard drive contains plenty of incriminating evidence that suggests my motivations were not so pure. Probably on some subconscious (or semi-conscious? I hope not fully conscious?) level I was showing kindness in the hopes of getting something in return.
I just hope that this fellow did not feel uncomfortable in my presence. I worry about that a lot; it is my fault that I have inappropriate sexual attractions, and other people should not have to bear the consequences of that.
The sad thing is that I am probably not as attracted to middle aged people as I think. I am very likely more attracted to the abstract concept of middle-aged people, without taking into consideration the ravages of time; bodies sag and libidos diminish.
As I hurtle towards my 50s and 60s myself, I question whether I will maintain affinities for this particular demographic, or whether I will always gravitate towards people who are older than me.
There is a lot more to write about this topic, but I have embarrassed myself enough for one entry.